No Church, Part 2

My Top 3

It’s been two months now since I last went to church. Last night I told my dad about it and ended the phone call blubbering and wishing I had not mentioned it or tried to explain my reasons.

There were a few things that became clear to me in the past few weeks. One, when I have problems, the people I find it hardest to approach with them are my parents and God. I usually take my time telling my parents about difficult situations or decisions I’m unsure about because I’m afraid of being judged, or that their perspective might just add to my mental distress. I find it hard to express what I’m really thinking and feeling. A call home can make things feel worse. And that’s what my call home did last night.
I sat up to two o’clock, going over the conversation, crying, feeling very low and laden down with guilt and fear. I couldn’t tell Frieden about it either.

I’ve been putting off talking with God about my fears, my hurt, my frustration and disappointment. I’ve been angry at Him for inspiring texts that are easily used against people or to abuse people.

To be more specific, I’m having trouble understanding God and gender, God and parenting, and God and relationships.

The issue of God and gender has occupied my mind for way too long, especially since we started going to a church with a female leader, and especially because my desire regarding that church was overlooked, because I’m a wife.
I knew that my husband’s decision on that matter was going to be very difficult for me to swallow. I tried to do what I considered the “right thing”. I tried to adapt, get involved, become an active member, but all along I had to swallow the feelings that kept bubbling up. I am not happy with the way we have slid into the leadership of this little church.
What does that have to do with my issues with God?
If God has given my husband the authority to make unilateral decisions, I should go along with them, even if I think he is greatly mistaken. But my question is, is that the way God wants things to be? And if I just go along now, will I be setting the precedent for the way things will be done in the future?
Does God expect me to just comply? What’s the point in making me go through this? Do I have any freedom in the eyes of God?
What does God mean by saying I should submit to my husband in everything?
I don’t get it.

So I’ve been trying to make God the good God I think he should be. His goodness has to match what I understand as goodness. But by doing this, am I rewriting passages in the Bible to suit me? Am I tampering with God’s character, his design and his will? If I do this, am I worshiping a god of my own making?
What if God created women to be forever “under” the men. What if God turns out to be a male chauvinist and misogynist according to my standards, can I still worship Him? Could I accept it if God viewed my will as inferior to my husband’s?

I haven’t opened my Bible for a while either. I’m afraid of the words stinging. I’m afraid of facing that I’m just being rebellious. One part of me wants to hear that God gives us time out when we need it, that He is merciful and caring, that my hurt actually means something to Him, and that He is not looking down at me with condemnation.
But I fear the worst, that being a Christian is about keeping God’s commandments, that that includes laying my will down, unquestioningly, and accepting the difficult, even unfair situations, without relief.

I don’t want to invent a god to worship. I don’t want to worship a god invented by anyone else. I’m afraid of approaching the true God for fear of finding out I’m just mistaken.