Are We Complimenting Or Criticizing Our Spouse?

          If we really think about it, we are not shy about telling our love ones what we dislike about them. We inform them when they have done something wrong, disappointed us, hurt our feelings or when we are dissatisfied about an issue.      On the other hand, we hesitate to tell them the good stuff, or to compliment them for doing something right. We may think that our spouse look good in a particular outfit, but we fail to tell them. We may love the meal that they prepared, but forgot to positively comment on it. When they come home early to spend time with the family, we complain about the amount of time we spend apart, instead of being thankful.     Your spouse may decide to have sex a little more often just to please you, but instead you complain about the same positions all the time. In other words, before we appreciate the things that they do, we highlight the things that they don’t do.

     In our marriage, we sometimes confuse assertiveness with criticism. Even though there is a time a place for being critical; if we want to positively influence the people around us, there are other ways to do it.     Studies have shown that the most effective way to bring about behavioral change is to positively reward or reinforce the person when they are doing what we want them to do.When compliments, hugs, a note of thanks or appreciation is given at the time of an occurrence, it brings about change much more effectively than complaining or repeated discussions of unhappiness.     Joan constantly complained about Michael’s lack of attentiveness to their 9 month old baby. So he decided to help out a little bit more. He began changing diapers and preparing bottles more often.      Even though Joan saw his efforts, she complained about him not doing it the way she does. And of course, this discouraged Michael. He told her to do it herself since she knows more about this type of stuff than he does.      Joan became angry. In talking to her, I suggested that she apologize to Michael for being critical and find as many reasons to compliment him as possible.     She accepted my recommendations and began complimenting him more.Every time he did something for the baby, she would either smile or say something that she knew he would like.     The more she encouraged him, the more he reached out to both her and the baby.      After a few weeks, Michael was delighted to leave work and rush home to take care of their little baby.     Their relationship improved tremendously.

     When you encourage small steps and make your spouse feel good about him or herself, then he/she would be more willing to please you. And maybe, with some luck, he/she may just get it

     One day Sherry said to James, I think our marriage is rather boring. All youdo on weekends is just sit there and watch T.V and that’s it. We seldom go out to dinner. I want our marriage to be more exciting.     Sure enough, James got defensive. He told her to do what ever she wants to make her life more exciting, but just leave him alone. Stop bothering him.     Sherry thought to herself, ‘I’m only trying to make our marriage livelier; so why is he being so defensive.’     She defended her statements, and so did he. It turned into a big argument.     In frustration, Sherry said, I don’t know why you are getting so upset. All I wanted was for us to do something different at least once a month. Maybe go to the movies, or on nature walks, to a museum or a show…..Just do something different!     James responded, So why don’t you just say that. I have no problems with that.     Sherry was totally surprised and wondered why he had put up such a fight when she approached him initially.     The answer is this: Its all in the approach. In the beginning, Sherry thought that she was setting the stage and wanted him to see that she was unhappy. But instead, she was actually condemning him for being truly ‘comfortable in his space.’ She was also telling James that he was disappointing her. On the other hand, when she asked for what she wanted with out complaining, she got it.     Sherry learned to be clear and concise about her desires, be action oriented with her approach and to be cognizant of her timing. If her spouse is in a bad mood, or had a bad day, she would not approach him about making changes.      Sherry told me that she learned about these strategies from reading ‘The 5 stages of a marriage.’ Find out which stage your marriage is in, by typing your first name and e-mail address in the top right hand side of the page, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’        

Best Related Post

Considered Getting Divorced? Read This!!!! by admin0 on May 16th, 2008

The Midlife Crisis by admin0 on May 28th, 2008

Conflict In Marriage by admin0 on May 10th, 2008