Approaching Your Spouse

          One day Sherry said to James, I think our marriage is rather boring. All youdo on weekends is just sit there and watch T.V and that’s it. We seldom go out to dinner. I want our marriage to be more exciting.     Sure enough, James got defensive. He told her to do what ever she wants to make her life more exciting, but just leave him alone. Stop bothering him.     Sherry thought to herself, ‘I’m only trying to make our marriage livelier; so why is he being so defensive.’     She defended her statements, and so did he. It turned into a big argument.     In frustration, Sherry said, I don’t know why you are getting so upset. All I wanted was for us to do something different at least once a month. Maybe go to the movies, or on nature walks, to a museum or a show…..Just do something different!     James responded, So why don’t you just say that. I have no problems with that.     Sherry was totally surprised and wondered why he had put up such a fight when she approached him initially.     The answer is this: Its all in the approach. In the beginning, Sherry thought that she was setting the stage and wanted him to see that she was unhappy. But instead, she was actually condemning him for being truly ‘comfortable in his space.’ She was also telling James that he was disappointing her. On the other hand, when she asked for what she wanted with out complaining, she got it.     Sherry learned to be clear and concise about her desires, be action oriented with her approach and to be cognizant of her timing. If her spouse is in a bad mood, or had a bad day, she would not approach him about making changes.      Sherry told me that she learned about these strategies from reading ‘The 5 stages of a marriage.’ Find out which stage your marriage is in, by typing your first name and e-mail address in the top right hand side of the page, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’              While all this may be good information, giving insight on why you feel the way you do; it does not necessarily bring about change.

     You may tell your spouse that the issues you are experiencing are due to how you were raised, or some other situation in your past. This can lead to one of three different So what can you do about this? Instead of putting emphasis on how the problem came about, focus on creating a solution; like Susan and Jim did.

     Susan and Jim argued about finances for years. She felt as if he spent money too freely, with out giving thought of tomorrow or planning for their retirement; like his father did. Jim felt like Susan was acting like a mother telling him what to do.      One month, with a little coaching, Jim decided to pay the household bills. When he realized how much money was being spent, he was shocked. They talked about the balance of the funds that was left over after bills were paid, and decided to put it in separate accounts, setting aside some money for retirement and some for having fun. They were both pleased with the outcome.     Instead of focusing on the root of the problem of Jim being a loose spender, which he got from his dad, and Susan being motherly, they came to a solution which satisfied both parties.

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